happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.