2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
me doing my best
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.