Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
crochet youtube is brutal
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*lint rolls you awake*
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear