Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The Onion called it…again.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
taking June’s advice to heart
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”