Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
You Might Also Like
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch