Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.