Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.