wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Every house has this drawer
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
(True)
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.