Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet