The government even made aliens boring
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The sacred texts.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.