Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Mad Max Arctic Road
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Meow
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD