Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I’m dying louder than usual today.