“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
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[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill