Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Merry Christmas
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
The smoothest fall of all time
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.