I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon