[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
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“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Butt weight. There’s more!
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My dad teaching me to drive
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?