Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
the simulation is moving too fast
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?