Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Siri: Retweet me.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.