Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“you recording!?”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Always a metermaid never a meter
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*