Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms