My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”