Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.