Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.