If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Breaking news:
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.