If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Haha! 😂
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them