ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.