And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.