Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Going into Monday like
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house