Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
こいつ天才
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I know
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free