just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.