ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Is this a threat?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”