Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
i’m sure it’s fine
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️