I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
You Might Also Like
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”