Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving