I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come