Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.