That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You Might Also Like
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.