The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*