Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Perfect
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Lucky old June.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?