So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
why I oughta
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby