If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone