Did I do this right
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Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Hmmmmm
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I will never stop laughing at this
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”