Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs