her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I have never related to anyone more.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
twitter users today:
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.