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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Optional boss fight.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.