roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
don’t we all
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.