Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.