I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
There are usually two types of merchants.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.