Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
never compromise your values
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”