Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
bad news gang
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.